Give and Take

They say a happy relationship is one with a lot of give and take. Yet, we don’t have to look further than congress to see that mutual concessions do not come easily in our society. In your significant love relationship, have you been feeling as though

· An “each man for himself” existence has replaced a supportive bond,

· Your partner is disengaged, or

· You are not considered or respected?

Some people struggle with giving. Others have trouble taking. How about you? When was the last time you did something for your partner with no strings attached? How hard was it? When was the last time you did something for yourself? (Hey, going to the dentist doesn’t count; I mean something more like watching a show or getting a massage.) Was it easy? How long has it been since your partner engaged in self-care? Did you feel supportive? Or resentful?

Bring the give and take back into balance in your love relationship with three vital steps:

1.      Let your partner know what you need. It is your responsibility. Let your partner know rather than assuming she will guess. Do not expect that she “should already know what I need.”  Tell her. Be clear. It is your gift to your partner.

Quinn: “Jamie, I really don’t want to go to the party Saturday night. Let’s stay home.”

How might the evening have gone if Quinn had not shared his feelings with Jamie? It is easy to imagine that he might have gone to the party withdrawn or resenting her, or both.

2. Consider the need of your partner. If you always get things your way in the relationship, or if you never do, you are not engaging in this step. This step saves you from steamrolling your partner’s needs and from automatically giving in to your partner, which steamrolls your own needs. Look carefully at the word “consider.” It is a verb (an action word), which Google defines in two ways: 1) “think carefully about, typically before making a decision;” and 2) “think about and be drawn toward.” I like both of these. When your partner expresses a need, your responsibility is to think carefully about it in order to decide if you can grant or support the request. In considering your partner’s need, you are demonstrating your respect and your love for him. Therefore, let yourself be drawn toward his need. This act is tender. Your partner has offered something to you, the one he loves, the one who loves him. How you take that offering from him – how you hold it – matters. Hold it delicately. Turn it around and around. Take a close, intimate look at what your partner has shared with you. Consider it. Truly. Sincerely.

Jamie: (thinking) We’ve already told them we would go! We have to go; we are committed. It would be wrong not to go. And, I want to go! We never go anywhere anymore. . . But Quinn has told me that he feels like I don’t listen to him and that his needs don’t matter to me. I don’t want him to feel that way. . .

Your partner has offered something to you, the one he loves, the one who loves him. 
How you take that offering from him – how you hold it – matters. Hold it delicately. Turn it around and around. Take a close, intimate look at what your partner has shared with you. 

3.      Take care of yourself. The primary person responsible for taking care of you is you. Do not assume your partner knows what you need. Your partner will make requests. Your partner will need things from you. And it is her responsibility to ask. It is your job to say “no” if it conflicts with your own self-care. She doesn’t know as well as you do what will and will not conflict with your wellness. Her job is to identify and express her own needs and to take care of herself, honoring your needs as much as possible. Your job is to do the same.

Jamie: “I hear you, Quinn, that you aren’t up for the party. So we won’t go and I’ll be okay with that. But I need you to know how important it is for me to socialize, and I want you to be a part of that. Also, you know I don’t like breaking plans. It is really important to me to follow through on my commitments. Can you understand that?”

or

Jamie: “Quinn, this would be the second time this month we’ve bailed on plans we’ve made. I need you to opt out before we say “yes” to our friends. I’m going to go to the party. I’d really like you to go with me.”

When Jamie asks Quinn to go with her in the second example, she is doing her job of letting him know what she needs and wants. She expects him to consider her need and to honor it unless it conflicts with his own self-care. Quinn would then need to truly consider this request to join Jamie at the party and weigh it along with his own feelings and needs. Jamie’s responsibilities here are the same: to consider his needs, to honor them if possible, and to take care of herself.

There is a tendency to become upset with our partners when they don’t give us our way. But if they are truly considering our needs and their own, they are serving the relationship well.  It can’t thrive if either member is depleted.

Take a moment for self-reflection: which of these steps have you mastered? Is there one that has been underused or altogether ignored? Ask your partner to read this article and do their own self-assessment. Then compare notes! Make sure your part of the conversation focuses on your own process and behaviors. Let the conversation be positive, supportive, and fun. From there you might set a goal to enhance your use of one or two of these steps. 

Let me know how it goes!