Family Ties

Since his birth and for years after, I felt protectively judgmental of my son’s (nonexistent) spouse. While gazing at my sleeping baby, I worried about how his new family would treat him when he married. I might be more cautious about admitting this level of postpartum neuroticism had I not learned over the years about the types of thoughts our brains produce in response to childbirth – brand new thoughts that feel extreme but are merely results of the strength of this new emotional attachment. This novel set of thoughts takes some getting used to, including learning how to respond to them in healthy ways. Yes, yes, how silly to judge someone who does not and may never exist? How silly to worry about something so far into the future that, even if it does occur, is out of my control? How silly. And yet how striking: the minute I had him, I feared letting him go. I already feared others being let into the inner circle of his heart who didn’t cherish him. . . Keep in mind I am also a person who barely lets someone dog sit my puppy who doesn’t love (LOVE!) her. But let’s face it; she’s a lot of trouble.

Genuine fondness and adoration are necessary; otherwise, being with her would merely be a chore. So too with humans. We’re a lot of work: none of us is beyond making messes. We’re flawed. I long for my son’s spouse and family to love him, not conditionally but with all his flaws. 

Families melding through marriage is right up there with finances as one of the most common problems reported by couples. In my twenty years as a therapist, I would have to say, sure, there are plenty of power struggles, but the core theme in couples’ stories of extended family conflict is  feeling unloved. Which hurts. Badly. I want my in-laws to approve of me. I want them to love me. I realize that my old longing for my infant son – for him to be loved unconditionally by his new family –  is guidance for myself should I ever become a mother-in-law. You already know (from paragraph one) that angelic mother-in-law qualities may not come as naturally to me as feeling skeptical, protective, and worried. But with those feelings, I am committed to positively regarding my child’s romantic partner. I will love my child’s spouse. Period. (Hold me accountable should that day come!) Love is a decision, a commitment, a choice. Loving your children’s spouses will be one of the best gifts you ever give them.

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”

Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

We all stand the greatest chance of being our best selves when we have secure, loving bonds in our lives. If you have chosen to love and cherish your child’s spouse because you love your child and know that is absolutely what they need, you have become part of the foundation of love and security from which that new family member can grow. You are actually part of creating a better spouse for your child.

This decision, this choice, can also be made in regard to your mother- and father- in-law. You can choose to have an accepting attitude towards them. Doing so could be the most tender and loving gift you give your spouse. Egregious actions may strain the relationship but look for what form and shape your good will can take even under fraught circumstances. If the way you have been treated by an in-law has left you knotted in tension and struggle, keep working to unwind it within yourself, in part by prioritizing who you are and who you want to be. Let manifesting your own values bring you peace. This may be as simple (or as hard) as setting three goals in regard to your in-laws:

1. Be civil. Honor your marital relationship and your own personal values by choosing to be cordial regardless of the topic of conversation or tone/language of your in-law. Honoring what matters most to you rather than reacting to unkind words or deeds brings peace, security, and stability.

2. Refrain from criticism.  I’m convinced that whoever said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me” wasn’t talking to her spouse. Negativity tends to wear on spouses, especially about their parents. Complaining about and criticizing the in-laws increase marital stress, conflict, and defensiveness. If you’re thinking, “But I just need to vent!” research since the 1960s shows that you don’t. Venting, as they say, is like putting out a fire with gasoline. It is a bad habit. Look for ways to genuinely process your softer, more vulnerable feelings, like fear and hurt, in order to heal. Venting doesn’t touch them and can prevent such processing.

3. Redirect your focus. Steering your mental focus may feel trickier, but stick with it. With practice, you can decrease the amount of time you spend focusing on your in-laws. When you notice that you are thinking about your in-laws (again), invite your mind elsewhere, a hundred times a day if needed, by introducing a new thought or by taking an action that will generate new thoughts, such as asking a friend to lunch, calling your cousin, or thanking your spouse for grocery shopping. Each time you invite your mind to redirect its focus, let this invitation be extended with self-compassion. (Each one is a triumph!)

Choosing to love, respect, and accept, unconditionally, not only your spouse but also his family will set you on a path of greater well-being. It is a path of marital and personal health and wellness regardless of how often you veer. You may feel that your in-laws don’t deserve your love or respect, but your love and respect are not about them. They are about you. They are about your spouse, who (in most cases) needs you to adopt this new family as your own. 

Marriage is a blending of two cultures, each family having its own set of beliefs, traditions, schemas, and customs. Therefore, learning, patience, empathy, and perspective-taking will always be necessary components of a harmonious union. But take heart if you are beating your head against the wall because you have tried – really tried! – all of those things: You do not have to wait for greater understanding to change your attitude and actions. You can choose love anyway, in whatever way you are able. And if not love, then acceptance. And if not acceptance, then tolerance. Find the path that allows you to drop the conditions and the judgment and walk with your spouse in peace.