Liking Your Lover

The sentiments and messages that once fueled your love— “I like you,” “I prefer you,” “I choose you” — over time, untended, can fester into ones that snuff it out completely. ”I’m stuck with you,” “I abhor you,” or “You disappoint me,” even if not spoken directly, are messages sent through excessive criticism or stonewalling that are received loud and clear.

“But whether or not I like someone depends on them. What can I do about it? I either like them or I don’t, right?” 

If you are thinking whether or not you like your spouse these days is out of your control, hold your nose as we plunge into the belly of the whale. Like and love are only feelings early on. Permanent membership in the fan club takes intention, decision, and loyalty. Over time, liking may require effort and tedious cultivation.

Where are you with your long-term lover?

Think about it this way:  If someone asks your spouse if you like her (it would be a weird question but — go with me here), what would she say? What would she think? What does she believe? Better yet, imagine your partner asking herself, “Does [your name here] like me?” What’s her answer? And what evidence have you given her for that answer?

When we sign up to be in the role of spouse, we are saying, “I like you. I like who you are. I like what you are about.” And let’s be honest. One reason they want to be with us— one big reason— is because of that affirmation and adoration. It is critical that your spouse knows you like him. This knowledge is key, in fact, to his attraction to you. The association between attraction and reciprocity has been well-studied; we like people who like us, value us, and appreciate us. Attraction, then, is not only about appearance, behaviors, and resources; it is also formed by our perception about how the other person feels about us. It feels amazing to be liked. We like it, we love it, we want more of it!  And we are far less attractive to our spouses if they think we don’t like them. Our affirmation and adoration of our partners are the sheen, the very glow that they see in us. Without it, we dull. And we might start to notice that decreased enthusiasm towards us, which might, thus, decrease our enthusiasm towards them. And so on and so on. 

Sound familiar?

If you are in this dismal cycle of dislike with your spouse, consider how you might reverse it. Research shows compliments and praise, evidence of being liked, activate reward circuits in the brain improving learning, motivation, and performance. To be liked is to be valued— a basic human need. At our core, deep down, we are all a little terrified that we are not okay. Being united with another person can help us feel secure in our own worthiness and safer in the world if we know our mates really see something in us that they value.

To be liked is to be valued— a basic human need.
At our core, deep down,
we are all a little terrified that we are not okay.
Being united with another person can
help us feel secure in our own worthiness
and safer in the world if we know our mates really see something in us that they value.

Your actions, starting today, may either snuff out that initial spark you had with your lover or be the slow, steady breath at the base of a brighter flame.

How To Like my Lover

1. Focus on what you like about him. You chose him for a reason. Trust yourself. Do you remember those things that drew you to him? Run an experiment in which you collect data on what you observe or experience daily that you like about your spouse. Commit to writing down one thing each day for two weeks. This experiment will help you reorient your thinking to his best qualities whereas you may have accidentally developed a habit of focusing on his worst.

2. Make sure your partner knows what you like about her. If you lean into her and smile at her or kiss her cheek when she brings you her leftovers or wears your favorite dress, she is more likely to do it again. Practice giving verbal cues like compliments and praise and non-verbal cues like increased attention, physical affection and warm smiles. There are so many ways to let her know!

Make sure you know what she likes about you too. That way both of you can emphasize and accentuate those qualities. Conversely, it is good to know what turns you off about each other. You may not be able to eliminate these behaviors or qualities altogether, but you may be able to develop accommodations for them in your relationship or minimize them. Although it isn’t always easy to let your partner know that his foot fungus repels you (or whatever), especially if he is sensitive, it is important to slowly work towards a place in your relationship to have those talks, especially if your subtle cues seem unacknowledged.

It is interesting how the same quality that turns one person on turns another person off, like being a snazzy dresser or keeping one’s car spotless or playing video games. [Side note for those of you reading this who are searching for a mate: What are your favorite things about yourself? Those funny jokes you tell? Your passion for reptiles? Choose a partner who not only tolerates those qualities but also adores them.] 

See if you can complete this activity:

If not, is there a safe space in your relationship in which you can have a brief, light, positive conversation with your partner to fill in these blanks?

3. Decide to like her (again). Obviously, you used to or you wouldn’t be together. And, I get it— a lot has happened. She has behaved in ways you had not expected. In ways you did not deserve. Maybe for a while you were feeling stunned, bewildered, or disillusioned about that behavior. But maybe now it is time to take one step back and look at the whole of who your spouse is, remember the good that is still there and allow yourself to notice it a little more often. Deciding “I like [spouse’s name here]” doesn’t mean you cease to feel or express negative feelings about specific actions of your spouse. It means, rather, that even when doing so you don’t stop liking them. It means you stay in their corner. It means you continue to have positive feelings about them and your relationship even when you dislike something they do. It means you know their strengths like the back of your hand. And you foster those attributes. You affirm them. You celebrate them. 

Think of other times in your life in which you were considering whether you like a person. You recognized that there were things about the person you didn’t like and things about the person you did like. And you decided to like them. Maybe you do it all the time: decide to like someone. Or maybe you’ve never done it. Either way, you can decide to like your spouse and adopt the corresponding thoughts and behaviors. Not sure what those are? To help you out, in your mind come up with three people that you like. What are your actions that help them know? [Hint: you can use your children. Do you like your children? How do they know? You probably seem excited to see them; you probably smile at them and give them eye contact; you probably say mostly positive things to them, inquire about their experiences, and listen and validate them. What else? How do you think of your kiddos even after they have made a mistake?] Having identified your typical behaviors and thoughts associated with liking someone, you can apply these to your spouse for instant fan club membership.

I do not think marriage is simple and am not seeking to dumb it down. I believe, as my couples know, that marriage is our highest form of civilization (i.e., the hardest damn thing we do). In our Western culture so much emphasis is placed on love (Check out Let Your Marriage off the Hook for more on our cultural expectations for marriage) that the hugely important concept of like gets underbilled. It often helps to go back to the basics. My lifelong best friend and I lived together for eight years in early adulthood and traveled together often. Sometimes the banter thickened into jabs that started tasting sour like blood on your tongue from a cut inside your cheek. Then one of us might say to the other, “Okay, truce; we have to just be nice.” With a nod of relief usually we mutually committed to placing intention on an internal mantra, be nice. It helps to go back to the basics sometimes in our closest, deepest, most meaningful relationships. Just by the nature of being so close, of course we are going to bump into each other until our movements and actions have been considered, choreographed, and rehearsed. If this sounds unromantic, I’ll give you that. But just like in the movie La La Land when Seb and Mia spontaneously break into “A Lovely Night,” that we know, of course,  it wasn’t really spontaneous doesn’t make their dance any less sensational.

If you are thinking spousal fan club membership sounds more exhausting than a new gym membership, you might be onto something. Daily positive attention and a consistent practice of positive thinking about your partner would be just a couple of the new habits associated with this hobby— a lot of hard work at first. But once in the club, you also get to feel relief as you kick back and enjoy your partner’s attributes again, maybe for the first time in a long time. . . Allow yourself to be fully present in the club, exploring everything membership has to offer. Give yourself permission to go completely off-duty in your old role as skeptical or critical spouse. . . or hang up your hat and walk away from that job forever. The truth is we all want to feel a sense of belonging, and this is the gift you are giving your spouse. One of the most beautiful things I ever heard one lover say to another was, “It’s like I want to belong to a group. And the group I want to belong to is you.”

I like you. Tell him. Show her. Your spouse’s greatest personal growth is waiting within. And everyone stands to gain from that growth, especially you.