Talk to Me! The Intimacy Women Crave (Men Like it Too)

LOVE WELL PEARL # 2

“We are all, in the private kingdoms of our hearts, desperate for the company of a wise, true friend.”

Steve Almond

In couple therapy when one partner describes something meaningful, important, or beautiful to me about their relationship or their partner, I ask, “Can you turn to her, can you look at her and tell her?” and the partner will say, “Oh, she knows,” or sometimes their lover will try to get them off the hook, saying, “Oh, I know, I know.” I might softly repeat the instruction, “Michael, turn to Nina and tell her what you just told me.” He will and his words move her to lean towards him. She may smile or lightly place her hand on his knee for just a moment. Something has happened between them, a bloom of something I can almost see.

Words matter. Words from you matter. You are her person and the things you say to her matter deeply. The things you say to him touch him in a place no one else can reach. Your words will draw her to you and encircle you two, strengthening and solidifying your bond. 

Laughing, joking, philosophizing about the universe, and dishing about why you do or do not like Family Guy all build emotional connection. It doesn’t always have to be deep talks about your relationship. I invite you to unfold and explore The Conversation as it relates to you and your lover.

Conversation can be sexy. 

Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg wrote, “Men think of intimacy in physical terms (S-E-X); women think of intimacy in emotional terms (T-A-L-K).”  They drew this conclusion from their survey of over 700 men and women asking them to rank what they needed from their spouse. Emotional intimacy was #2 for women, second only to unconditional acceptance. Sexual intimacy was #2 for men, second only to unconditional acceptance. (Can we take a moment to notice the #1 need of both men and women: unconditional acceptance? A blog post on this topic is coming! Meanwhile read Liking your Lover which hits hard on the theme of acceptance.) 

Conversation injects our relationships with three essential nutrients for emotional connection—attention, empathy, and vulnerability—and potentially plenty of other bonus emo-nutrients like loyalty, validation, and affirmation. 

In this way, conversation is foreplay, especially if your sexual partner is a woman. Human sexuality research, such as the work of Dr. Rosemary Basson, shows higher sexual desire among women for individuals with whom they feel emotionally connected. Women want to feel as though we are uniquely desired, as though the attraction is to our souls and minds as well as to our bodies. As Dr. Ian Kerner says, “One thing you can do to get a woman in the mood for sex. . . make a strong emotional connection.” 

If you are following Love Well, moving from Love Well Pearl # 1, Liking your Lover,  to this one and incorporating the main points into your relationship, you are in the process of improving your sex life.

Conversation can be scary.

I want to talk more and feel more connected and yet I don’t do it! I don’t put down my phone and go strike up a conversation with my partner. Why is it so hard?

When my couples conclude that they don’t talk anymore because “I guess we just don’t have anything new to say to each other,” I encourage them to keep digging. It is often incredibly difficult to get back into a good talking groove after a stale period. We get into our isolated routines of zoning out when we get home from work and start to feel more comfortable disengaging from than connecting with our partner. Will I get ignored? Will it be awkward? Will he or she be curt or cold or closed-ended? Does my partner want to talk to me? (Does my partner want me?) All of these apprehensions are often lurking beneath the surface. It makes a lot of sense that we would stay to ourselves and veg out rather than risk feeling embarrassed, humiliated, or hurt. The extended quiet in marriage is usually the opposite of knowing everything about each other. Stand-offishness in long-term love comes more often from a place of internal butterflies about what might happen in an interaction with the one I am crushing on after all these years. It’s not boredom but rather attraction that causes the shyness. I care how he responds. I care what she thinks of me.  So much, in fact, that it would devastate me if he acted like he doesn’t want (to talk to) me. So she keeps to herself. He means to make more of an effort. But in the moment I’m just so tired! I’ll do it tomorrow, he thinks to himself. Tonight I’ll just watch shows on my phone until I fall asleep. He keeps to himself. She keeps to herself. Night after night. And they become increasingly lonely and isolated. 

Conversation can be improved. 

Too much talking?

Would you like a deeper emotional connection with your lover but feel invisible in conversations? Quality conversations are not one-sided. If your partner strings lots of ideas together before giving you a chance to reply or misses cues that you are no longer engaged, you may feel more distant rather than closer after talking. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out the problem. When I was dating my spouse, in the early days I thought he had hearing loss. I’m serious. I distinctly remember the moment I realized I was wrong. We were sitting on an airplane. As I casually glanced at him while chattering away, it hit me:

“He can hear! He’s just not listening!!” 

Reality set in (alongside relief that he was not losing his hearing) as I watched him—far-off in a corner of his mind, completely unaware that I had even stopped talking.

This type of checking out is one way of responding to conversations you’re not into (and—I get it—it can happen innocently and unintentionally), but all lovers may not find it as adorable as I did. Here are a few tips for a more proactive and engaged approach to interrupting an unfulfilling pattern of one-sided conversations:

~ Change the subject, which will give you greater leverage to wrap it up.

~ Be direct if this is not a good time to talk.

~ Confide in your partner if you feel as though you are being talked at instead of talked to, which may make you feel invisible (“It’s like I’m not even there. She could be talking to a wall.”) 

Too little talking?

If you would like a deeper emotional connection with your lover but feel a lack of confidence in conversation, that’s a fine starting place for your conversation tune-up. Could you share this with your partner so that she can support you? You’re in this together.  Hopefully, any pressure on you to perform well is internal, but if your partner is frequently critical of your responses, let her know that you are trying to be the spouse she needs you to be, and ask for more patience, acceptance, and encouragement. Also, let your nervousness connect you with how intimate talking is. Of course you are nervous! You are creating something with your partner—an experience completely unique to the two of you. Explore having conversations within the safety of your secure bond, which means letting go of the pressure to do it well. 

Whether you need more reciprocity in your talks or more confidence and comfort in conversations or you think your talks with your lover have dried up for other reasons, consider strategic vulnerability:

This week can you share with your lover

~something that happened at work that you might not typically share,

~a feeling you’ve been having or had in the past that has been hard to express, or

~a fact about yourself that you’ve kept to yourself?

You may also opt to share this blog post or Carry On with your lover as a way of introducing this topic, giving you an opportunity to regard, together, your emotional connection and how your conversations affect it. 

Is Steve Almond right? Are we all, in the private kingdoms of our hearts, desperate for the company of a wise, true friend? Our emotional needs are as strong and powerful as our biological ones and intertwined with them. Ecstatic moments are waiting within the meeting of the minds and hearts as well as the bodies. 

Go talk, play around, and explore! Intimacy awaits.