Acknowledge: Let Your Partner Know You Understand

LOVE WELL PEARL # 4

We need each other. Validation, affirmation, and empathy quench, for a moment, the insatiable part of each of us that wonders if we are okay.

The precursor to empathy? Acknowledgement.

Overall, we need more acknowledgement in our long-term love interactions and a lot less blame. The two characteristics have a relationship. The more blamed I feel, the less acknowledgement I offer my partner of his feelings, experience, and perspective (because the more likely I am to respond defensively).

If we work on skirting the blame—feeling less blame, perceiving less blame, letting that blame bomb fly right on by without hitting us in the face—and if we work on actually blaming less and sharing more, it will help increase acknowledgement, which is validating and bonding.

Some observations over the years working with couples:

• The lover who shares with her partner about a struggle she is having in their relationship is vulnerable in that moment as she is admitting that something isn’t going well for her and, in so doing, she is trusting that her lover will care and will hold her concern tenderly and lovingly.
• The listening partner often feels blamed and, therefore, not surprisingly, responds defensively or disengages.
• The sharing partner then feels hurt or angry or sad or all of those.

A number of things can happen from there and most of them accelerate a spiral of disconnection.

Acknowledge

Acknowledge is a 15^th century word out of the old English word “aknow,” which means to confess or show knowledge of something. That works here. Notice when your partner is sharing something on her mind; hear and confess to her your knowledge of what she is saying. Show her you know what she is saying. You can do it by repeating her exact words, which sounds pretty easy, but is probably the most underutilized interpersonal skill.

Why is that? Why is acknowledging what the other person is saying so underestimated and underutilized?

The common culprits:

Culprit # 1:  We are too busy reacting to our own feelings.

• Your feeling might be fear (“Oh no, something is wrong; this is bad.”) and an urge to avoid. Many people feel uncomfortable and distressed when someone is expressing upset.
• Your feeling might be hurt or anger. (“Really? She has to move my razor off the counter? She can’t just leave it there where it is convenient for me? She really couldn’t care less about me.”)
• Your feeling might be frustration if your partner is complaining, gossiping, being negative or nagging, especially if those are common ways your partner expresses herself or himself and the excessive negativity wears on you.
• You might be feeling critical, or superior, rushing to judge your partner, correct her, or advise her.

Culprit #2: We assume acknowledgement isn’t enough. We think, surely, our partner needs more from us than that. Check out It’s Not about the Nail, a 2013 Short by Jason Headley that depicts this trap well (He nails it).

Watch out for Culprit #1, especially when your partner expresses dismay about you or the relationship, and Culprit #2 when the dismay is about something else. Her feelings aren’t getting validated—either because you are attending to your own hurt (or fear or frustration) or because you’re trying to solve her problems. Chances are, what she needs most from you, first from you, is acknowledgement of her feelings.

Michael Sorenson cornered the market on the power of validation in general. Check out his stuff; I couldn’t say it better. But I want to zoom in on those moments in our relationship when the concern expressed by our partners is about something in our shared life together (“We have outgrown this house.”), or about our relationship specifically (“I haven’t seen you in days.”), or even more specifically, about me (“I am really grossed out by you drinking out of the milk carton.”).

These moments are opportunities to acknowledge the feelings, perspective, and experience of your partner and may feel more challenging than when your partner expresses distress about traffic or some aspect of life not involving you. These moments in our relationships are hard but necessary. Your partner is sharing their distress with you because you care about her or him. Show care. Acknowledging your partner’s experience is a great way to do that.

“I notice you have been saying a lot lately that you are tired. You must be feeling really worn down.”

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“Yeah, you’re right, we are pretty cramped in this house.” (or) “Oh, you’ve been feeling cramped?”

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“I hear you; you feel pressured by my mother to come to dinner.”

Taking the time to repeat verbatim or paraphrase what you have heard, thereby acknowledging it, sends the messages: “I care about you,” “I can hear what you are telling me,” and “It is okay that you are sharing this with me.” Alternatively,

“It’s fine.”

“That’s not true.”

“Lighten up.”

are all examples of responses that send a message to your partner, “I don’t care” and “I don’t want to hear this from you.” These kinds of responses will feel hurtful to your partner who has just trusted you with something on her mind and heart.

Notice how you respond to your mate. If you notice an absence of acknowledging his or her feelings, perspective, or experience, allow yourself to wonder why that might be? When your partner shares something with you, ask yourself

How do I feel?   

Be aware, that feeling is driving your response, no question. That feeling is the key to unlocking more rewarding moments with your partner. Go get the key!

Once you have it, you can also ask yourself

How is my partner feeling?

Recognize that it is the emotion in need of attention, an emotion that may not have even been stated. You’ll have to empathize. You may have to guess. You may have to ask. However you go about it, get that feeling.

Then, with both feelings, you are ready to rock this moment.

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If we work on skirting the blame—
feeling less blame, perceiving less blame,
letting that blame bomb fly right on by
without hitting us in the face—and if we work on actually blaming less and sharing more,
it will help increase acknowledgement,
which is validating and bonding.

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How blaming gets in the way of acknowledgement

As important as it is for the listening partner to acknowledge the experience, feelings, and perspective of a sharing partner, the sharing partner is also responsible for—as Sue Johnson describes it—calling out to your lover in a way that he can hear you and soothe you.

How are you calling out to your lover?

Be soft. Be vulnerable.

“I am noticing that I am feeling lonely for you.”

“I miss you.”

“Will you to come over and sit with me?”

Instead of

“I haven’t seen you all week.”

“We never spend time together.”

“You don’t care about me.”

Take a moment and imagine saying any of the first set of responses. Can you? Can you even imagine it? If you are thinking, “I would never say anything like that,” can you recognize the vulnerability in those statements and the bravery within? Buck up. Long-term love is for the brave.  This level of vulnerability leads to the level of intimacy you’ve been longing for.

How feeling blamed gets in the way of acknowledgement

“I’m just not happy in this relationship.”

“I’ve been feeling so sad.”

“I’m really struggling with how we budget.”

Whatever it is, if you are the listening partner, try to remember it’s not about you. Your partner is speaking about her experience, her feelings, and her perspective. Don’t take it from her; it’s hers! It belongs to and with her, not you. Learn to listen without taking your partner’s feelings and putting them squarely on your shoulders. If you notice that you are resenting your partner when she shares her feelings, this might be why. Let her keep what is hers. When you do that, you will listen better and demonstrate care better because you won’t be under the weight of her feelings. You won’t be owning them. You won’t be taking responsibility for them. You won’t be blaming yourself for them or feeling blamed for them. If your partner is upset, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. The first person who needs to realize this is you.

How are you hearing your sharing partner?

Let’s just say your lover has said, “I miss you.” (Tone matters here so let’s imagine the tone is light and gentle and loving.) How do you feel? I want partners in the couples I work with to feel flattered if they hear that from their lovers. My lover misses me! I have a lover who misses me! I am missed. I am desired.

But so often they feel blamed. She’s disappointed again. She’s accusing me of not being enough, not doing enough. Full stop. Can you practice hearing “I miss you” differently? Can you practice hearing it as an experience your partner is having that is about her, all about her, not about you and not your fault. If your partner shares that she misses you, then for whatever reason (don’t assume) she is having a feeling of longing for you. Can you hear that from her and be with her around that? Can you hear that as hers? Her experience, belonging to her. She is sharing it with you so that you can hold it with her, but she is not giving it to you, or throwing it at you. (Hopefully.) Can you hear it and stand by her side and look at that experience with her? Can you stand right beside her close enough that she can lean on you while she feels what she feels? (I mean this metaphysically, but you can take it literally if you want.) As you look at her experience with her, can you acknowledge what she is sharing with you?

“Oh, you miss me?” (I’m imagining lifted eyebrows and maybe a small smile.)

Just that. Create that space where you hear her and acknowledge what it is that you are hearing, without assuming you are being blamed, without assuming anything at all. Just acknowledging her experience.

From here, many things could happen to increase your connection.

A note about gender

My use of “she/her” for the sharing partner and “he/him” for the listening partner is not because women talk more or men are worse at acknowledging and validating, neither of which is true. Nor is it the case that women are more emotional or that men need less validation. Women and men need validation equally and are equally emotional. Women are, though, more emotionally expressive (Kring & Gordon, 1998), which means that, these days at least, those in relationships with women (52.75% of coupled Americans) get more opportunities to respond to a sharing partner.

The Takeaway

Acknowledge is the first Love Well Strengthening Pearl. Acknowledging your partner’s experience is validating, soothing, and healing.  It is mood-improving and relationship-strengthening. It’s as big a bang for your buck in relationship health as exercise is for your physical health.

If you have worked through your Love Well Nurturing Pearls (1-3) and are ready to start strengthening, work first to acknowledge and to be acknowledged:

• Increase acknowledgement of your partner’s feelings, experiences, and perspectives and prioritize doing so over expressing or reacting to your own feelings or trying to “fix” their problem.
• Foster increased acknowledgement of your own feelings, experiences, and perspective by calling out to your partner in a way that he can hear you, by being soft and vulnerable rather than blameful. Give him a chance to stand by your side. Give him a chance to hold your concern well with gentleness and tenderness. Give him a chance to demonstrate his love and care for you. Help him be the lover you need him to be by coming to him softly.

Try it!

When your partner shares something with you

1. Acknowledge, affirm, validate, or empathize with them. If feeling blocked from doing so ask yourself
2. How do I feel? Then,
3. How does she feel?

Then, try again. Notice how identifying these feelings unlocks your ability to acknowledge your partner’s feelings, perspectives, and experience, and notice how much more you enjoy this moment when you do.