be honest ⇼ be engaged ⇼ expect change
Anticipating our lovers’ needs is both a tall order and the least we can do. Demonstrating consideration is love in action, unobtrusive yet powerful. It feels tender yet reinforces a stronghold for the deep, intimate connections we crave.
When your partner tells you she’s upset, is it a moment of sharing and an opportunity for closeness, or a fault-finding blame game? How are you hearing her? Do you assume that you’ve done something wrong? Is she saying anything about you at all? Recognizing that her feelings are hers, her experience is hers, and that she—not you—bears ultimate responsibility for them, will help you acknowledge her feelings, her experience, and her perspective—the beginning of a much more rewarding conversation.
Let’s talk about sex! Conversation, the focus of my last blog post, is one of the richest sources of human connection; however, sex is conversation’s greatest contender, some would even say the champion of intimacy.
How long has it been since you told your partner how you feel about her? Do you let him know when he does something you appreciate? Have you shared with her, today, how special she is to you? Let’s talk, Baby! Big and small, words matter. Go sit and talk to him while he makes dinner. After she gets the mail, meet her halfway down the driveway just to walk back with her and check in.
In conversations these days are you floundering or flourishing? Whether talking long into the night or briefly on the sideline— whether extrovert or introvert— we are all social creatures. Humans are more comfortable connected, sharing stories. Conversation helps us break out of the solitary grip of modern life. Practice it, preserve it. Stay bound. Stay free.
Permanent membership into your spouse's fan club grants you endless perks, swag, and possibility, including access to the intimate partnership you crave.
We all want to be understood, but explaining yourself might be little more than a missed opportunity to repair disconnection. In our love relationships, the urge to explain may be triggered by the thought, “If only they understood where I was coming from they wouldn't be mad at me (or hurt or sad). All I have to do is explain myself.” Glide over tough spots by replacing this intuitive but misplaced move with empathy and validation.
Don’t have anything nice to say about your in-laws? Swapping criticism for positive regard may be one of the hardest trades you’ve ever made but could be important for your marriage and for your mental health.
Some people struggle with giving; others with taking. How about you? Consider three key skills when assessing the give-and-take in your relationship.
Kristen Stone, PhD 